Fear is a bitch. I fear things that could come between me and my happiness. I fear things that are a threat to me. In response to fear I have created things to protect me. One of those things is pride. Growing up, seeing my own family go through things, I set pride as sentinal to protect me from going through that shtuff. Pride is that line in the sand I draw so I wont let things happen. " My pride wont allow me to do it", I've said, and is really a mans mantra. Our history is cluttered with men who are proud, and have done magnificent things based on pride. Like Custer, Alexander the Great, Ceaser...we know what happen to them. Pride is my defense mechinism fueled by my Ego. When someone gets through that, they are in unprotected territory, free to destroy what the most valuable thing I have, the core of me, my heart. I'm not saying being proud of your accomplishments, your family is wrong. I am saying to put pride ahead of what is really important in life, that's wrong.
I refused to live in fear, so I didnt let anything come close to me that can do me harm. I refused to let someone else effect my life, my heart. I refused to let another person in, so they could tear me down. That was then of course. I hid my heart behind pride, defense mechinisms and actions that I thought would protect me, in order to keep me happy. I sheltered myself within myself by living life through diluted expereinces. I was my own bubble boy. I stereilaized everything before taking in. I didnt see life for what it was. As I did that I also prevented myself from expiereincing the joys of life. Ironic how I did such a good job at protecting myself, in the process I was hurting myself, slowly. In my own bubble, keeping everyone at arms length.
What's different? The first step to anything is recognition then admission. "Hello my name is bubble boy, and I'm scared". What next... the good Lord only knows.
Bless all who are going through things, I have you in prayer.
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