If you're scared...

Fear is a bitch. I fear things that could come between me and my happiness. I fear things that are a threat to me. In response to fear I have created things to protect me. One of those things is pride. Growing up, seeing my own family go through things, I set pride as sentinal to protect me from going through that shtuff. Pride is that line in the sand I draw so I wont let things happen. " My pride wont allow me to do it", I've said, and is really a mans mantra. Our history is cluttered with men who are proud, and have done magnificent things based on pride. Like Custer, Alexander the Great, Ceaser...we know what happen to them. Pride is my defense mechinism fueled by my Ego. When someone gets through that, they are in unprotected territory, free to destroy what the most valuable thing I have, the core of me, my heart. I'm not saying being proud of your accomplishments, your family is wrong. I am saying to put pride ahead of what is really important in life, that's wrong.

I refused to live in fear, so I didnt let anything come close to me that can do me harm. I refused to let someone else effect my life, my heart. I refused to let another person in, so they could tear me down. That was then of course. I hid my heart behind pride, defense mechinisms and actions that I thought would protect me, in order to keep me happy. I sheltered myself within myself by living life through diluted expereinces. I was my own bubble boy. I stereilaized everything before taking in. I didnt see life for what it was. As I did that I also prevented myself from expiereincing the joys of life. Ironic how I did such a good job at protecting myself, in the process I was hurting myself, slowly. In my own bubble, keeping everyone at arms length.
What's different? The first step to anything is recognition then admission. "Hello my name is bubble boy, and I'm scared". What next... the good Lord only knows.

Bless all who are going through things, I have you in prayer.

Welcome to Estroglopolis

Did ya know it is illegal to chew gum in Singapore? Were ya aware that in Thailand you can be jailed for stepping on Thai currency? How about in Saudi Arabia, purchasing merchandise during the call for prayer is prohibited? The penalties for these infractions can result to being whipped, jailed and severely fined. I've traveled to most of these places, and was given fair warning before I got on the dang plane. I was given a warning, an FYI; a "heads up" if you will. I've lived in Estro-glopolis for over 13 years and have been in emotional incarceration for over 12 years. The charge: Feeling Felony of the first degree; estimated release date... never! For those residents of Testi-city, heed my warning, for I had to discover my crime the hard way... the wrong way.
Feeling felony is a crime against residents of Estroglopolis (women). It is a felony to harm an estogoman, when you think you are stating a truth based on your opinion. It has nothing to do with you being right or wrong, it has to do with the impact your words have. Be advised, if the subject matter is a part of a pre-existing set of insecurities, or past issues, this becomes a first degree felony, the worst of its kind.

The felony I committed was different. It was not just one act, they were several acts, over time. Sure I apologized for my hurtful actions and thought I showed appropriate amount of restitution. After awhile I was even rehabilitated and vowed never to commit the same act again. But I committed a different crime and then another, and another, apparently more harmful than the last. Each transgression caused more pain, until the affect spread like a deadly virus. It infected other areas and became an epidemic. I was slowly causing unspeakable atrocities that was killing the city I was supposed to protect, the place I loved, my city... but I didn't know and maybe I didn't want to know. I felt I was doing my part: working, cleaning, policing the other citizens (children).

So now I'm in jail (solitary confinement really) recently told of the felonies I've committed and no grounds to hope for an expected release. There are even plans for an execution (divorce). When I was finally told what I did and what it did to my city, my precious hurting city, I cried.... sobbed really. How could I (ME) do that?! It made me sick to my stomach and I wanted to put the needle in my own damn arm. I pleaded with the victim, Judge, Warden, Jury, Executioner and Governor (all the same person: my wife) for forgiveness and explained, where I come from, you must be honest. You don't intend to hurt anyone, but if you see something wrong or notice someone else doing something wrong; you owe it to them to say it. But my words were like acts of terrorism. Slowly, deteriorating the security and confidence of my city, my precious city.
It is indecent and cruel to intentionally hurt anyone, regardless of who they are, but to hurt someone you love, this is almost unforgivable. With a renewed heart, and open mind, I fight for my freedom amidst agonizing intolerable torture. I fight for my place in my city once again, but I realize, I must expect death.

So for those moving into or are in Estroglopolis, understand the laws here are different. Your words are weapons, use them with love, consider the target and aim with extreme caution.
To the residents of this beautiful city, give him a chance. Let him know your laws, hold him to it, and give him a chance before banishing him.

Praying for all those going through this, be blessed.

Close the damn door!

When I was growing up I was always told to keep the door closed. We came in and out from playing in the street or the yard, but there was always someone that would not close that damn door. Forget letting the air conditioning out, what you really have to worry about are those uninvited guests. So why is this vague lesson from my youth so relevant today? I left my doors to my marriage open, and like any other vermin, something (someone) came into nest. Forget eating my food, this parasite began to sucked the life out of my marriage like a fat vampire ending a fast. It's not the parasites fault...its a parasite, even though its victim was "marked" by a more dominate specie. Parasites do what they do. The foolish dominate specie should have prevented this by preparing his house. I failed to condition my relationship. I didn't give my wife what she needed... regardless if she didn't know what she needed (another story for another time folks). While I was home, I protected my home, but I didn't attend to it. I didn't nurture it, appreciate it, and tell it how very special and beautiful it was to me. I existed, acting similar to the very thing I thought I was protecting my house. I took and rarely gave: I took for granted it was always going to be there by not giving it a reason to stay. Being a good father; having a good job with benefits; being fit and buying some gifts occasionally wont protect your house people! Because the moment you go away, the parasite will try to take what's yours. And if you didn't protect it by giving it what it needs, the parasite will take your house by doing what you didn't do.

So what have I learned: I didn't give my wife what she needed. I made it easy for her want to leave me. I should have close the doord, prevent access to others from comming in my house to do what I should have done: Find away to love her the way she needed. But man it would be great to be told how!!!!!!!!!!!
What do I do with this new found pearl of wisdom? I want to choke a hoe (short for house of course) and exterminate a parasite, but that decreases my likelihood to find love... outside of a penal institution (sodomy pun intended). I pray and hope for peace.

I pray for all of you going through similar situations. Be strong, be present, be faithful: this will pass.

The first step... Realization

I'm going through some shtuff. Although I have family and some good Friends and smart people in my life, the stuff that I'm going through is life changing. I love it when people tell you, "I've been through that, lemme tell you what you should do". I appreciate it, but the reality is, I feel differently, I love differently and the decisions I make impact my life. I'm me. I'm not pushing good counsel away, I'm just looking at my life as I deal with this, and try to move forward. Sooooo here it goes:
I want to start over with a new Missy and a better me. But if that can't happen... I will move forward for me.
So over a course of who knows how long, I'll use this platform to document my journey to a better place: Where ever that is, God only knows.
I am a father who adores his kids and a Christian with faith. Sadly, I'm also a man prone to bouts of intense rage and violence, but I'm blessed with some damn common sense. Let's just say I know where the Gym is.
For anyone else dealing with the same thing, I got you in prayer too.